


just a vent

by theasexualfangirl



Category: Original Work
Genre: Suicidal Thoughts, anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-07-14 05:00:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16033475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theasexualfangirl/pseuds/theasexualfangirl
Summary: yeah i know this isn't what you want





	just a vent

i can't find the words but i so badly wish i weren't here. i don't want to be alive and i want to hurt one last time. if all this were up to me and i could have my way, i'd be long gone by now. i wouldn't have any more useless, synthetic ways of happiness that i can't express to anyone else. i can't keep up lying and failing and barely making my way through life. i can't interact and i can't make sense of anything. i don't know how i've made it so long. looking back, i know i shouldn't be here. i'm not strong because i haven't cracked. i'm weak because i can't commit. i can't move forward. i can't contribute. i don't want to be in the spotlight where everyone can see me. i don't want to be an influence. i don't want to be someone that a young person who's suffering looks up to. but with what i want to do, that's where i'd have to go to reach success. i can't be successful. i can't do what i want. i can't even find the will to grab a knife and pierce it through my skin, through my muscle, through my lungs. i don't have the guts. i don't have the strength. i'm drifting. i'm just drifting and running into fallen trees and broken bottles and i can't find my way around them unless i hit them along my journey. this is endless. when will i drop off? i can't find my way out. there's no dock, there's no ledge, there's nothing i can grab onto. my arms are stuck. i can't get out. i can't get out. i know this isn't what you want from me. i don't want this for myself, either. i just don't want to hurt. i do, though. i want to hurt one last time. one last time. then it'll all be over. i don't know where i'm going, but at this rate, my dreams are empty and nothing is getting me anywhere. i'm distracted. look at me now. i'm writing this and not doing anything that will help me along the way. i want to drive a knife through my chest. i want to empty myself of slime and disgusting fat inside myself and watch it pour. i want to see everything that made myself hurt. i want to hurt one last time. this might seem dramatic or stupid. i don't care. i'm tired. i'm not begging for help. help is hardly that. i'm just tired of acting like i can get through this. i clearly can't. i can't get through anything when there's no end. everything i do is a mistake. i can't say the right thing. i can't do the right thing. i'm just lost. i can't get a grip. i can't reach out. all of this hurts and i can't take it knowing this will continue. i want one last time. one last time. one day, i'll do it. i want to see if people who said they care really do. yes, there might be spite in my death wish. but that's just a testament to how little i really matter to myself. i wouldn't care if i let myself go just to watch all these people come face to face with the lies they told themselves just to keep me afloat. dump me out. dump out my insides. let me suffer in your hands once more. see my tears. once more. you lie to yourself. you lie to me. you don't even care. i know it. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me do it.


End file.
